This is no different then when people do things to hurt you emotionally. A lot of times people don't realize how hurtful their actions and words are. If you knew where the punches were coming from then it would be a lot easier to combat them. When they come from different directions its A.) Hard to fight them all at the same time and B.) Make you realize that its quite possible the problem in yourself.
After the last 7 months i feel like this is #thestoryofmylife and today a few things became evident:
1.) People are not to be trusted. This is something I always knew but for whatever reason i thought that maybe because I was in college, Howard University the "Black Harvard" of all places that perhaps people operated on a different level of maturity. I was wrong #DEADWRONG
2.) People are DECEPTICONS. Seriously. I know it sounds funny but I couldn't think of a better way to truly wrap up the character of your average Howard student into a better word. People pretend to care to get what they want and as soon as they do they are suddenly brand new people. This goes for guys and girls
3.) NOBODY is your friend. You have no friends. Please know the difference between an acquaintance and a friend. Just because you know who somebody is doesn't make them your friend. Just because you all smoke, drink, party, and live in the same dorm or apart of the same org does not make your friends!
4.) Fourth and perhaps most importantly..... maybe this just applies to me.....maybe. I feel like my entire life I have been the worlds punching bag for one reason or another. When I was younger it was because I had things other people didn't. A cell phone in the fourth grade?? #wheretheydothatat?? As I got older it was because I was the extremely confident, overly competitive girl in high school who was captain and president of everything imaginable.
But as for now....I don't know. I have come to the realization that here at Howard it is deeper then the exterior materialistic things with most people and yet I still can't pinpoint what the issue actually is. I wish I could because I feel if I knew what it truly was I could do something about it. I guess until I figure out I will continue to play the part of the "the punching bag."
I actually think I am becoming quite good at it....sad I know :( I just hope people dont begin to question my standoffish, bitter, Fuck with me if yu want to attitude ....i guess if they do I can just direct them here.
looking back, i realize everything that happens either happens so that i can feel like shit and remember my humanity or it happens so that after i feel like shit i can be a better person...personally, i would never want to be the person on the other side of the punching bag,the source of the meaningless flogging, consumed with bitter rage, an anger with no solace - though that means my heart will be a spectrum of black and blue bruises. Howard is the mecca of it all, that cinematic moment of clarity when the lead character is left jaw-dropped by an unexpected twist in the story line, screwed over by the silent woman with the polite smile and innocent eyes - thats ALWAYS Howard. Something like a subculture develops here and people graduate with Bach's in Manipulation or a double in Usage and Immaturity. Yeah, hu...you know? psh..yeah...u know.
ReplyDeleteclip them.clip em all.
Well, There is so much here. All I can say for sure is this. I can relate. I hear you. You are right. More importantly, the moment you place your trust in God and not people everything changes people will always be the same but how you manage/feel about what people do changes. You change from a punching bag to Pi^Nata bag full of surprises, sweet, candy, celebration, life, love, trust and all in spite of all the punches. Then you can say no with love, you can say no even though there are tears, you can say no even though it hurts but in that journey of saying no you get closer to saying yes to yourself. And you finally gain a peak at the wisdom of learning that trust has nothing to do with everyone else who you meet or lets you down and everything to do with yourself and the value you place on yourself. It is why I can trust those who are not trustworthy, because the true trust is in God and as long as God has me I will be okay and therefore can trust any journey He sends me on and it is always a working progress.
ReplyDeleteWith Much Love, Aleida.